Talking to Kris at Local Talk this rainy day, he revealed that he was a bit depressed by all the bad news this week. What with Steinbrenner dying, bomb threats and murders, one might think this world was a horrible place. However, somewhere out there, the sun is shining, people are smiling, and oil is not pouring into their water. This one is for you, Kris.
Mad Mel is off the wagon and threatening his wife again. He has been taped threatening to kill his wife with a bat in the side of the head and to bury her in the rose garden. But first he wants oral sex from her. Isn't that just like a guy? At least he knows how to prioritize. First, sex, then death. It's sort of like the Seinfeld episode where George wanted to eat a sandwich during sex and then listen to the game.
British scientists with nothing better to do to occupy themselves have done a study and determined that the chicken came before the egg. There is apparently a protein in a chicken's ovaries necessary for an egg to form. Therefore, since the protein is necessary, they reason that the chicken came before the egg. Please, no one point out to them that there is something in the egg necessary for a chicken to form - namely, the egg.
Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum has unveiled a wax model of Kim Kardashian and invited the real item to attend to kick things off. The wax figure looked just like Kim from the waist up, but for Kim it's not what's up front, but rather behind, that counts, and unfortunately, the Madame apparently ran out of wax before finishing the derriere, which appears more Calista Flockhart size. Kim Karashian without a butt is like, well, Jennifer Lopez.
The great-granddaughter of Nikita Khruschev apparently spotted Russian spy Richard Murphy as a phony when she was his adviser at the New School. She said she knew he wasn't from Philadelphia because she immediately noticed his Russian accent. She said if she were a bit curious she could have "found him out in five minutes. His cover-up was terrible. He claimed to be hunting for moose and squirrel."
Police in Hollywood have arrested Superman and Batman for handling out flyers in front of Graummann's Chinese Theater. Superheroes have been trouble for Graumann's recently. Apparently, recently, Chewbacca head-butted a tour guide. Fortunately, bail was posted by millionaire Bruce Wayne.
Joan Ginther has won the Texas lottery jackpot four times. Mathematicians say the odds of such a winning streak are astronomical. Joan's reply? "Wanna bet?" Joan, meet Paul, the psychic octopus.
An Iranian nuclear scientist who defected to the U.S. is now claiming he was kidnapped and demanded to return. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton held a press conference and responded, "Let him go back. We're not stopping him. We don't want him." I understand the only holdup was that he wanted to fly El Al back to Tehran.
Marvin Wolf is a Newark consumer and bankruptcy law attorney who is a regular contributor to Local Talk. This article provides legal information and individual smart-ass opinion, but not legal advice. Mr. Wolf can be contacted through his office at (973) 735-2740 or his website www.wolfprotect.com.
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