New Jersey has a reputation as a problem state; we also have the reputation of burying them too. Case in point - a billionaire developer who has a last name that rhymes with dump.
When it comes to death, some famous people like to think big. King Tutankhamen had his pyramid, President Grant had his tomb, Viking leaders had flaming funeral boats. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump has his…golf course.
Stalin and Lenin memorialized themselves by getting stuffed and placed on permanent display - but Donald wants to use himself to sink a putt.
In an act of “fore” sight, it is reported that he has made arrangements to be buried in a mausoleum adjacent to the fifth hole of the Trump National Golf Course in Bedminster, New Jersey.
I guess that what some would call a bizarre joke, Trump would call an anchor tenant.
With plans as splendid as Trump’s, I’m sure we can all hardly wait for the actual funeral. It’s like waiting for Christmas. Of course, he has to get it all past planning and zoning boards, which may be difficult. His mausoleum may be one of the hardest erections he’s had in years.
The usual burial plot is 3 1/2 feet by 10 feet - and, of course, 6 feet down. That has been changing lately, with the increase in obesity in America. According to the NY Times, Woodlawn Cemetery in Bronx, New York now offers “super-size me” plots up to 4 feet wide. Some funeral parlors offer larger plots now, and plus sized coffins too. Goliath Casket of Indiana even offers a triple wide. Trump is looking for something a bit larger - one and a half acres. That should be big enough to fit his body - and his ego.
Trump likes gold plating, so maybe we should look for a gold-plated coffin, with cheaper construction on the inside. Maybe he can have the coffin top sculpted into an elaborate combover.
If he’s smart, and he’s never been accused otherwise, he will turn the proposed cemetery into a condo, with multiple layers, and a private parking garage, and dig down as many stories as he can. Buildings have height restrictions, but maybe he can get around that by going in the opposite direction - sort of a head start to a final destination. Who knows, if he goes down far enough, he could strike oil or natural gas. I can see it now - a crypt with an oil well on top.
Comedian Robert Klein used to say, “The great thing about death is that one second after you’re dead, it’s ‘I don’t care.’ Bills not paid - don’t care. “But I guess when it comes to rich people, Mr. Klein was wrong.
I just hope the worms don’t forget to make a reservation.
Marvin Wolf is a satirical columnist for Local Talk News.
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