This started out to be about the Gingrich that stole Christmas. This started out to be about a fantasy dystopian world where unionized janitors are fired and replaced by 9 year old workers right out of Oliver Twist.
As my wife pointed out, if only poor children don’t understand the value of work, then why do rich people bother to have housekeepers? Do the children of rich parents scrub the toilet bowls? Do they learn the value of work by watching their nanny?
No unions, no child labor laws, no women’s rights, no interracial marriage, no taxes on rich people, no social security, no healthcare - the faux traditional America these ultra-conservatives are advocating has a remarkable resemblance to an antebellum cotton plantation. To them, there is no proof of climate change, or of evolution, or of Obama’s birth. They do believe in trickle-down economics, no matter how many times it has been tried and failed in the past.
The amazing thing is how many people actually support and applaud for this type of society - a world of 9 year old assistant janitors.
New York’s Mayor Bloomberg thinks it would be an improvement to fire half of New York’s teachers and double class sizes. The U.S. Postal Service, an organization created by America’s Constitution, will soon become a mere shadow of its former self. Rain, snow, hail, gloom of night did not stop mail delivery - but Congress did.
They tried to pass a constitutional amendment in Kansas that basically said “Have a miscarriage - go to jail for murder.” To paraphrase Legally Blonde’s Elle Woods: “I suppose masturbatory emissions could be considered reckless abandonment.” These people are deadly serious. But they don’t mind executing adults.
They are trying to create the United States of Jesus, except their Republican Jesus packs a gun and spits on the poor. There’s no room for compassion in right-wing Christianity. Get a job - clean a toilet.
They support Israel only because they think once all of America’s Jews are deported back to Israel, Jesus will come and convert them all to Christianity.
Newt Gingrich attempts to pass himself off as a scholar and historian. However, most scholars and historians, at minimum, know how to keep it in their pants. They also know how to register delegates for caucuses and primaries. Newt, the genius, missed the deadline to appear on the ballot in Missouri. Maybe he shouldn’t have fired his senior campaign staff. His excuse - I did it on purpose. It’s business efficiency. I think he means it’s less expensive when you only pretend to run, like his friend Herman Cain. He has only until Wednesday to get on the ballot in Ohio - a state in which he leads. As of Tuesday, he hasn’t done it yet. Imagine being in the lead in a primary and losing because you didn’t bother to register? Deadlines are also coming up in Indiana, Illinois and Virginia. In New Hampshire, he needed to submit the names of 20 delegates - he only submitted 14. So it looks like the genius scholar shot himself in the foot. He can only blame himself for the screw-up. Is this how he would run the country? A man who can’t handle the basic logistics of math should not be put in charge of handling our economy. It makes sense that this is the man who bounced 22 checks while in Congress. This is the author of the failed “Contract With America” that quickly became the “Contract On America.”
Newt hangs out with Trump - another genius. Someone needs to tell Donald that the plural of apprentice is not apprenti, it’s apprentices. I guess they didn’t teach him spelling during his two years at Wharton (in the undergraduate program, rather than the prestigious MBA program). Also, I doubt America will watch the reality show he might wish to make of it. There’s something cruel about telling a 9 year old “You’re fired.” Maybe his advisers are ignorami.
I was angry and bothered. But then, I thought again and it hit me. Are ANY of these people really running for President or are they just running to make money? I am reminded of the plot of The Producers. You raise more money than you need to put on the play/election. Put on the worst performance in history so you are guaranteed to lose. As Gene Wilder’s Leo Bloom said, “Under the right circumstances, a man can make more money producing a flop than a hit.” Keep the excess money because no one cares about the money when you produce a flop. The only way to fail is if you produce a hit. Maybe that’s why Newt is not registering the delegates. He’s doing everything he can to NOT win.
I think I’m on to something. That’s why Bachmann and Huntsman also did not register their delegates. That’s why Cain was giving speeches quoting The Pokemon Movie and The Simpsons Movie, kept chanting “no” in German - “Nein, Nein, Nein” - and only suspended, rather than ended, his campaign. You can still collect contributions for a suspended campaign. It’s the really running for President that costs money. It’s the same for Trump, Palin, The Professor and Mary Ann, and the rest. They have books to sell, and campaign contributions to raise (and keep). The only danger is that if they win, they may have to actually make good on their dumb campaign promises, and that would be a disaster. So they have to say stupid, extreme, dangerous things to torpedo their chances, and give the next candidate a chance to raise money for himself. Of course, the Fuehrer is causing a furor. It’s a play. The Cain mutiny is now Springtime for Gingrich.
Oh, my. The world makes sense, after all. None of the candidates are crazy - it’s only the backers who support them who are missing their marbles.
What a relief.
Marvin Wolf is a satirist and regular columnist for Local Talk.
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