I used to be pretty smart. I went to a famous science and math high school. I got honors in college. Most of my friends think I’m pretty brilliant. But the truth these days is, I’m a caveman in an astronaut world.

It’s not all my fault. Back when I was in school, all we really knew about the atom was it was made up of the proton, neutron and electron. That’s it. Quantum physics was still mostly theoretical. Quarks had not yet been discovered, nor the gluon. I remember masers - they came before the laser - before “Goldfinger.” Still, I considered myself competent. They had this new device, the video tape recorder, and I was one of the few people who had one whose display actually displayed the correct time, instead of an eternally blinking 12:00 sign. I could even program the timer on the device to record a television show when I wasn’t there. That put me in the upper one percentile when it came to brains in my neighborhood. Hooray for me.

One sign of our depressed economy is the ever-growing list of companies that are seeking bankruptcy protection. The latest is Hostess Brands, the manufacturer of Wonder Bread, Ding-Dongs and the ever famous Twinkies, filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. I guess they ran out of dough. This is the second time that Twinkies have been in bankruptcy court. Whatever was in that secret filling, it wasn’t bringing in enough money to pay for employee pension costs, which have grown exponentially - perhaps because of eating Twinkies.

It’s been a busy few months for bankruptcy. Borders had problems with its books, Blockbuster went bust, Sears is closing a lot of stores across the nation. You know about MF Global, Corzine’s personal Titanic. The L.A. Dodgers struck out and are trying to sell the team.   Cosmetic surgery company, American Laser Centers, has burned out its cash and is trying to raise more in Chapter 11. Lending company The Money Tree is getting chopped down to size in a Chapter 11. Mortgage insurer, PMI Group, fell behind on its own payments.  Dippin’ Dots took a dip. Filene’s is down in the basement, and Syms is singing hymns in heaven.

Who says creativity is dead in New Jersey? A new bill has passed a committee in the New Jersey State Assembly that will eliminate the 72 hour waiting period to get married in New Jersey. 

The bill is touted to increase state revenue and create more jobs in the tourism and hospitality industries. Let’s see, an out-of-town tourist could go to Las Vegas, or instead go to Newark. Las Vegas - Newark; I can see how a tourist might get those two places confused.

Under the new bill, a resident could apply for a license where the marriage is going to be held rather than in his local hometown; so he could get the license on the way to the wedding chapel. Or maybe just swipe his phone at a kiosk set up next to the priest.

The price of a wedding license would go up to $60, more than you would pay in New York but without the New York 24 hour waiting period. This will make it much easier for drunken friends to get hitched on a whim, regardless of gender. Women should appreciate the elimination of the cooling-off period, which will now give no time for the groom to change his mind and decide he likes your sister better. 

This started out to be about the Gingrich that stole Christmas. This started out to be about a fantasy dystopian world where unionized janitors are fired and replaced by 9 year old workers right out of Oliver Twist.

As my wife pointed out, if only poor children don’t understand the value of work, then why do rich people bother to have housekeepers? Do the children of rich parents scrub the toilet bowls? Do they learn the value of work by watching their nanny? 

No unions, no child labor laws, no women’s rights, no interracial marriage, no taxes on rich people, no social security, no healthcare - the faux traditional America these ultra-conservatives are advocating has a remarkable resemblance to an antebellum cotton plantation. To them, there is no proof of climate change, or of evolution, or of Obama’s birth. They do believe in trickle-down economics, no matter how many times it has been tried and failed in the past. 

The amazing thing is how many people actually support and applaud for this type of society - a world of 9 year old assistant janitors.